And what you'll discover is the fact that he's relaxed under your fingers, and the heavy stones of emotion within his gut and chest are starting to drop away. He focuses on a new cigarette, content, for the moment, with letting you take charge of the matter at hand.
That, too, is how he lets go.
"I'm starting to wonder if things are ever going to work out the way I want them to, whenever I try to take something for myself."
Doors have been closing on him, left and right. Even a guy as resilient as he is can only take so much.
A few months back, he would not have been able to handle you getting close like this. Now, however, it's only making him realize how much he has missed it.
It is really, really good to have you back. Honesty is a terrible thing, but it's also something that's needed more often around these parts these days.
"Maybe so, but I'm also starting to wonder how long I'm going to have to wait. Seems like all I do is screw up when I try."
He tops that statement with a small smile. It's a broken thing, wrecked, as it has been, from too many fucked up chances and too little room to breathe.
He's going to dare to put a gentle arm around your shoulders at that, because he may not be able to lift the weight that has settled there, but you have never been too heavy to carry, even if most might think otherwise.
You are family, Hikaru. You are a younger brother to this old and ancient vampire.
"Then perhaps you should not think of it as waiting." It's not the most comforting piece of advice he could hand your way, but it is something at the very least?
"What was that old saying: the journey, not the destination?"
He rather liked that one. It was a fitting analogy to the lives most of the Kings had to lead.
He's going to laugh at that, but the sound's caught somewhere between being bitterly amused and just being indicative of how far gone and how much closer he is to being at the end of his rope than it actually seems.
"I really, really hate that saying sometimes."
He has not moved away from Riley, though. Letting go takes practice, right? And this one has always been a quick study.
Chuckling softly at that. He's also noted ( gratefully ) that you have not moved away. It's an improvement, and he has never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"It can sound incredibly trite when you're in the middle of nowhere with no bloody clue where to go next."
Literally, metaphorically -- it's all the same, really.
"I am almost afraid to say, old friend: but please don't throw yourself back in the general direction of the Middle East." Those wounds worry him. He understands that you can take whatever is thrown your way, but it hasn't exactly been the most stable year thus far.
Here's a crooked smile in your direction, Riley. It looks a little better on this one's face, even if it is obvious that he's exhausted and still barely keeping it together on a more personal level.
"Try 'somewhere that does not require that you bleed too much'. It's all well and good when you're inflicting the wounds, Hikaru, but my couch can only absorb so much."
He hopes he can joke about that. You've patched each other up enough times this should be standard procedure, but he also knows that you're still calibrating. Why else would you have resisted him taking you here until he'd reassured you that no one else would be around.
"I can always buy you a new one. Or get this one cleaned."
You can joke about it: that much becomes obvious, in the way this one has just responded. As things stand, his chest doesn't feel nearly as tight anymore, and his head's no longer so full of noise.
Perhaps this office, much like your room or any of the other haunts Riley has kept for himself throughout the ages, can be a safe place for him to retreat to yet again.
Riley's going to smile at that -- a wider one this time, he's clearly pleased.
"Well, if the blood doesn't come off right, I can just tell Liandrin that the patches 'add character' to an otherwise boring choice of fabric."
He'll have it cleaned, and it will be spotless, and no one will ever be the wiser. If they do know, you can both deny to high heaven that anything ever transpired tonight.
That makes Hikaru laugh, soft and fond and amused all at once. He can imagine pretty clearly what the look on Liandrin's face will be if she spotted something like that...
...And now he's going to put his last cigarette of the moment out.
"I should get back to my room. Might as well try to get some sleep."
It settles him a little, to hear you laugh. To know that there is genuine fondness and amusement there. Perhaps he should have a word with the others at some point about how too often familiarity can breed contempt if one is not careful.
He won't offer to walk you to your room even if he wants to. He's been watching the way you've been moving in these last few minutes and he can say with good conscience that while you are not physically well yet, you will be, soon enough.
( As for matters concerning the heart... well. That is for another time. )
"Good night, Hikaru. May your dreams be sweet." He means that, by the way.
The gratitude for what you have given tonight is written in his eyes, plain as day in spite of the mix of everything else that's weighing him down. This is a step, isn't it? That's all that matters.
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That, too, is how he lets go.
"I'm starting to wonder if things are ever going to work out the way I want them to, whenever I try to take something for myself."
Doors have been closing on him, left and right. Even a guy as resilient as he is can only take so much.
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"We are allowed good things, Hikaru. I realize that sounds trite in light of recent events, but it does not make it any less true."
The other chair is too far away, so he's just going to sit by you and drink from his own glass.
no subject
It is really, really good to have you back. Honesty is a terrible thing, but it's also something that's needed more often around these parts these days.
"Maybe so, but I'm also starting to wonder how long I'm going to have to wait. Seems like all I do is screw up when I try."
He tops that statement with a small smile. It's a broken thing, wrecked, as it has been, from too many fucked up chances and too little room to breathe.
no subject
You are family, Hikaru. You are a younger brother to this old and ancient vampire.
"Then perhaps you should not think of it as waiting." It's not the most comforting piece of advice he could hand your way, but it is something at the very least?
"What was that old saying: the journey, not the destination?"
He rather liked that one. It was a fitting analogy to the lives most of the Kings had to lead.
no subject
"I really, really hate that saying sometimes."
He has not moved away from Riley, though. Letting go takes practice, right? And this one has always been a quick study.
no subject
"It can sound incredibly trite when you're in the middle of nowhere with no bloody clue where to go next."
Literally, metaphorically -- it's all the same, really.
"I am almost afraid to say, old friend: but please don't throw yourself back in the general direction of the Middle East." Those wounds worry him. He understands that you can take whatever is thrown your way, but it hasn't exactly been the most stable year thus far.
no subject
Here's a crooked smile in your direction, Riley. It looks a little better on this one's face, even if it is obvious that he's exhausted and still barely keeping it together on a more personal level.
no subject
"Try 'somewhere that does not require that you bleed too much'. It's all well and good when you're inflicting the wounds, Hikaru, but my couch can only absorb so much."
He hopes he can joke about that. You've patched each other up enough times this should be standard procedure, but he also knows that you're still calibrating. Why else would you have resisted him taking you here until he'd reassured you that no one else would be around.
no subject
You can joke about it: that much becomes obvious, in the way this one has just responded. As things stand, his chest doesn't feel nearly as tight anymore, and his head's no longer so full of noise.
Perhaps this office, much like your room or any of the other haunts Riley has kept for himself throughout the ages, can be a safe place for him to retreat to yet again.
no subject
"Well, if the blood doesn't come off right, I can just tell Liandrin that the patches 'add character' to an otherwise boring choice of fabric."
He'll have it cleaned, and it will be spotless, and no one will ever be the wiser. If they do know, you can both deny to high heaven that anything ever transpired tonight.
no subject
...And now he's going to put his last cigarette of the moment out.
"I should get back to my room. Might as well try to get some sleep."
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He won't offer to walk you to your room even if he wants to. He's been watching the way you've been moving in these last few minutes and he can say with good conscience that while you are not physically well yet, you will be, soon enough.
( As for matters concerning the heart... well. That is for another time. )
"Good night, Hikaru. May your dreams be sweet." He means that, by the way.
no subject
The gratitude for what you have given tonight is written in his eyes, plain as day in spite of the mix of everything else that's weighing him down. This is a step, isn't it? That's all that matters.