Doesn't he always let you? Really, Hikaru. Whatever it is, if it is so terrible, then say so. Yes, he might have appointed himself as the school teacher running check on the whole lot of you to properly balance out Aidan, but you've had enough time as friends to at least feel like you can speak plainly his way.
"If you tell me not to ask, I will not."
He realizes, a bit belatedly though, that calling you out like that has opened up two possibilities. He amends then, "And I do mean that." Quiet now, concerned.
"If you wish not to speak of whatever it is that weighs on your mind, then we can turn this conversation to you telling me instead what it is that I've missed since Liandrin put me on house arrest."
The world turns, out there. And he remains here, recuperating.
No words first, because over the ringing in his head, the pain of his injuries and the magnitude of the situation he's in at this moment aren't easy to deal with, especially when one tops it off with what Riley's saying to him now.
He should be able to trust Riley. He should be able to trust all of the Malice Kings, given everything that the lot of them have been through. The losses, the hardship, the victories that did not at all feel like victories. He knows as well, however, that the people he loves the most have also been watching him carefully, too carefully, and are incredibly quick to shut him down "for his own good". He's also firm in his belief that there are bigger fish to fry, and he certainly isn't the only one with problems that need to be handled.
This is why there are things that he does not tell them, even if he and many of the others should be "fine" now after the talks, the arguments, the negotiations. This is why he keeps pulling back, even when every other instinct in his bones and blood is telling him to rest easy and let the closest of his friends - his family - catch him when he starts to fall.
The look that the Daywalker will see the moment Hikaru finally looks up to meet his gaze is dark with one too many things, and the physical pain that the Blade King is in seems like the least of it. That is broken by a sharp laugh, a shake of the younger man's head. The bitter twist of his lips partially disappears from around the cigarette that he places between them.
"Honestly? I don't know where to start." And he isn't referring to what Riley's missed. Not at all. "I don't even know whether I should."
And this one's reclining in his seat. Yes, he is watching you carefully now, but it is out of concern, the kind of concern that spans the length and breadth of your friendship.
Perhaps they have all been watching you too closely, with attention that is more like scrutiny than anything else.
"Begin wherever you deem appropriate, old friend." Lifting his drink to his lips now. "I have all the time in the world."
It takes him a while to respond to that, and when he does, it's after his expression has eased into something less angry, less defensive. Some of the helplessness and confusion that he feels is welling up to the surface, see, before he can stop it. It's mingling with the loneliness and the sadness that he's been wrestling with ever since he woke up to this new life. It never really left, and, at times, it just gets worse.
"Why does it feel like none of you trust me anymore? Why are all of you so intent on holding me back from doing what I can for you?"
He can deal with the more personal shit later. Besides, maybe if he puts it off long enough, he won't have to talk about it with you.
"Hikaru..." How is he to explain that it is just that they -- the Kings, the three blades, based solely on what he has heard -- are worried, without you taking it the wrong way. He has tried to counter-balance the scrutiny in his own way, has he not kept his distance to give you room to breathe?
"Brother, we are not your enemies. We are your family. And perhaps, sometimes, family gets a little," how to put it, really. "We worry. It is as simple as that."
Because of the 28th life. Because none of them know what this means. Because the Darkest Vigil was hard on everyone and it's been a mere three years into peacetime that it feels like things could shatter at any moment.
"I do not think that any of us wish to lose you again." A sigh at the end of that as he sinks back into his chair.
He wants, so very badly, to believe that. He's wanted to since things started getting tense again, when it felt like doors were being shut without his consent, without so much of a head's up.
Maybe he lets go, at the end of it, because it's coming from Riley. The two of them have always had a unique sort of understanding that neither of them could find with any of the others. Maybe it's because, in spite of everything, Aidan is so far up there for Hikaru that there are many things he wouldn't dare to bother the man with, but Riley is not nearly as distant to him. But the depth of the love he feels for the both of them is the same.
There are no words for the entire stretch of time that it takes Hikaru to finish his cigarette. The tension's bleeding out of him, leaving nothing behind but heavier, sadder, more hurtful things.
"Can you help me with all of this?"
It's a soft request, full of all of the vulnerability that he's finally willing to show the other King. This is a step towards understanding what he's been told, and coming back around to the people who care about him.
And this one is letting out a breath that he had not realized he had been holding up until that moment, before he is wordlessly coming over to crouch in front of his companion to take the bandages with the efficiency of one who as done this countless times before.
"I was only waiting for you to ask, old friend."
He'll help you see to your wounds, he'll also keep the silence that does not press. You will speak to him of your thoughts when you wish to, and he can be patient for as long as it is necessary.
And what you'll discover is the fact that he's relaxed under your fingers, and the heavy stones of emotion within his gut and chest are starting to drop away. He focuses on a new cigarette, content, for the moment, with letting you take charge of the matter at hand.
That, too, is how he lets go.
"I'm starting to wonder if things are ever going to work out the way I want them to, whenever I try to take something for myself."
Doors have been closing on him, left and right. Even a guy as resilient as he is can only take so much.
A few months back, he would not have been able to handle you getting close like this. Now, however, it's only making him realize how much he has missed it.
It is really, really good to have you back. Honesty is a terrible thing, but it's also something that's needed more often around these parts these days.
"Maybe so, but I'm also starting to wonder how long I'm going to have to wait. Seems like all I do is screw up when I try."
He tops that statement with a small smile. It's a broken thing, wrecked, as it has been, from too many fucked up chances and too little room to breathe.
He's going to dare to put a gentle arm around your shoulders at that, because he may not be able to lift the weight that has settled there, but you have never been too heavy to carry, even if most might think otherwise.
You are family, Hikaru. You are a younger brother to this old and ancient vampire.
"Then perhaps you should not think of it as waiting." It's not the most comforting piece of advice he could hand your way, but it is something at the very least?
"What was that old saying: the journey, not the destination?"
He rather liked that one. It was a fitting analogy to the lives most of the Kings had to lead.
He's going to laugh at that, but the sound's caught somewhere between being bitterly amused and just being indicative of how far gone and how much closer he is to being at the end of his rope than it actually seems.
"I really, really hate that saying sometimes."
He has not moved away from Riley, though. Letting go takes practice, right? And this one has always been a quick study.
Chuckling softly at that. He's also noted ( gratefully ) that you have not moved away. It's an improvement, and he has never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"It can sound incredibly trite when you're in the middle of nowhere with no bloody clue where to go next."
Literally, metaphorically -- it's all the same, really.
"I am almost afraid to say, old friend: but please don't throw yourself back in the general direction of the Middle East." Those wounds worry him. He understands that you can take whatever is thrown your way, but it hasn't exactly been the most stable year thus far.
Here's a crooked smile in your direction, Riley. It looks a little better on this one's face, even if it is obvious that he's exhausted and still barely keeping it together on a more personal level.
"Try 'somewhere that does not require that you bleed too much'. It's all well and good when you're inflicting the wounds, Hikaru, but my couch can only absorb so much."
He hopes he can joke about that. You've patched each other up enough times this should be standard procedure, but he also knows that you're still calibrating. Why else would you have resisted him taking you here until he'd reassured you that no one else would be around.
"I can always buy you a new one. Or get this one cleaned."
You can joke about it: that much becomes obvious, in the way this one has just responded. As things stand, his chest doesn't feel nearly as tight anymore, and his head's no longer so full of noise.
Perhaps this office, much like your room or any of the other haunts Riley has kept for himself throughout the ages, can be a safe place for him to retreat to yet again.
Riley's going to smile at that -- a wider one this time, he's clearly pleased.
"Well, if the blood doesn't come off right, I can just tell Liandrin that the patches 'add character' to an otherwise boring choice of fabric."
He'll have it cleaned, and it will be spotless, and no one will ever be the wiser. If they do know, you can both deny to high heaven that anything ever transpired tonight.
That makes Hikaru laugh, soft and fond and amused all at once. He can imagine pretty clearly what the look on Liandrin's face will be if she spotted something like that...
...And now he's going to put his last cigarette of the moment out.
"I should get back to my room. Might as well try to get some sleep."
It settles him a little, to hear you laugh. To know that there is genuine fondness and amusement there. Perhaps he should have a word with the others at some point about how too often familiarity can breed contempt if one is not careful.
He won't offer to walk you to your room even if he wants to. He's been watching the way you've been moving in these last few minutes and he can say with good conscience that while you are not physically well yet, you will be, soon enough.
( As for matters concerning the heart... well. That is for another time. )
"Good night, Hikaru. May your dreams be sweet." He means that, by the way.
The gratitude for what you have given tonight is written in his eyes, plain as day in spite of the mix of everything else that's weighing him down. This is a step, isn't it? That's all that matters.
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"If you tell me not to ask, I will not."
He realizes, a bit belatedly though, that calling you out like that has opened up two possibilities. He amends then, "And I do mean that." Quiet now, concerned.
"If you wish not to speak of whatever it is that weighs on your mind, then we can turn this conversation to you telling me instead what it is that I've missed since Liandrin put me on house arrest."
The world turns, out there. And he remains here, recuperating.
no subject
He should be able to trust Riley. He should be able to trust all of the Malice Kings, given everything that the lot of them have been through. The losses, the hardship, the victories that did not at all feel like victories. He knows as well, however, that the people he loves the most have also been watching him carefully, too carefully, and are incredibly quick to shut him down "for his own good". He's also firm in his belief that there are bigger fish to fry, and he certainly isn't the only one with problems that need to be handled.
This is why there are things that he does not tell them, even if he and many of the others should be "fine" now after the talks, the arguments, the negotiations. This is why he keeps pulling back, even when every other instinct in his bones and blood is telling him to rest easy and let the closest of his friends - his family - catch him when he starts to fall.
The look that the Daywalker will see the moment Hikaru finally looks up to meet his gaze is dark with one too many things, and the physical pain that the Blade King is in seems like the least of it. That is broken by a sharp laugh, a shake of the younger man's head. The bitter twist of his lips partially disappears from around the cigarette that he places between them.
"Honestly? I don't know where to start." And he isn't referring to what Riley's missed. Not at all. "I don't even know whether I should."
no subject
Perhaps they have all been watching you too closely, with attention that is more like scrutiny than anything else.
"Begin wherever you deem appropriate, old friend." Lifting his drink to his lips now. "I have all the time in the world."
no subject
"Why does it feel like none of you trust me anymore? Why are all of you so intent on holding me back from doing what I can for you?"
He can deal with the more personal shit later. Besides, maybe if he puts it off long enough, he won't have to talk about it with you.
no subject
"Brother, we are not your enemies. We are your family. And perhaps, sometimes, family gets a little," how to put it, really. "We worry. It is as simple as that."
Because of the 28th life. Because none of them know what this means. Because the Darkest Vigil was hard on everyone and it's been a mere three years into peacetime that it feels like things could shatter at any moment.
"I do not think that any of us wish to lose you again." A sigh at the end of that as he sinks back into his chair.
no subject
Maybe he lets go, at the end of it, because it's coming from Riley. The two of them have always had a unique sort of understanding that neither of them could find with any of the others. Maybe it's because, in spite of everything, Aidan is so far up there for Hikaru that there are many things he wouldn't dare to bother the man with, but Riley is not nearly as distant to him. But the depth of the love he feels for the both of them is the same.
There are no words for the entire stretch of time that it takes Hikaru to finish his cigarette. The tension's bleeding out of him, leaving nothing behind but heavier, sadder, more hurtful things.
"Can you help me with all of this?"
It's a soft request, full of all of the vulnerability that he's finally willing to show the other King. This is a step towards understanding what he's been told, and coming back around to the people who care about him.
no subject
"I was only waiting for you to ask, old friend."
He'll help you see to your wounds, he'll also keep the silence that does not press. You will speak to him of your thoughts when you wish to, and he can be patient for as long as it is necessary.
no subject
That, too, is how he lets go.
"I'm starting to wonder if things are ever going to work out the way I want them to, whenever I try to take something for myself."
Doors have been closing on him, left and right. Even a guy as resilient as he is can only take so much.
no subject
"We are allowed good things, Hikaru. I realize that sounds trite in light of recent events, but it does not make it any less true."
The other chair is too far away, so he's just going to sit by you and drink from his own glass.
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It is really, really good to have you back. Honesty is a terrible thing, but it's also something that's needed more often around these parts these days.
"Maybe so, but I'm also starting to wonder how long I'm going to have to wait. Seems like all I do is screw up when I try."
He tops that statement with a small smile. It's a broken thing, wrecked, as it has been, from too many fucked up chances and too little room to breathe.
no subject
You are family, Hikaru. You are a younger brother to this old and ancient vampire.
"Then perhaps you should not think of it as waiting." It's not the most comforting piece of advice he could hand your way, but it is something at the very least?
"What was that old saying: the journey, not the destination?"
He rather liked that one. It was a fitting analogy to the lives most of the Kings had to lead.
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"I really, really hate that saying sometimes."
He has not moved away from Riley, though. Letting go takes practice, right? And this one has always been a quick study.
no subject
"It can sound incredibly trite when you're in the middle of nowhere with no bloody clue where to go next."
Literally, metaphorically -- it's all the same, really.
"I am almost afraid to say, old friend: but please don't throw yourself back in the general direction of the Middle East." Those wounds worry him. He understands that you can take whatever is thrown your way, but it hasn't exactly been the most stable year thus far.
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Here's a crooked smile in your direction, Riley. It looks a little better on this one's face, even if it is obvious that he's exhausted and still barely keeping it together on a more personal level.
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"Try 'somewhere that does not require that you bleed too much'. It's all well and good when you're inflicting the wounds, Hikaru, but my couch can only absorb so much."
He hopes he can joke about that. You've patched each other up enough times this should be standard procedure, but he also knows that you're still calibrating. Why else would you have resisted him taking you here until he'd reassured you that no one else would be around.
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You can joke about it: that much becomes obvious, in the way this one has just responded. As things stand, his chest doesn't feel nearly as tight anymore, and his head's no longer so full of noise.
Perhaps this office, much like your room or any of the other haunts Riley has kept for himself throughout the ages, can be a safe place for him to retreat to yet again.
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"Well, if the blood doesn't come off right, I can just tell Liandrin that the patches 'add character' to an otherwise boring choice of fabric."
He'll have it cleaned, and it will be spotless, and no one will ever be the wiser. If they do know, you can both deny to high heaven that anything ever transpired tonight.
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...And now he's going to put his last cigarette of the moment out.
"I should get back to my room. Might as well try to get some sleep."
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He won't offer to walk you to your room even if he wants to. He's been watching the way you've been moving in these last few minutes and he can say with good conscience that while you are not physically well yet, you will be, soon enough.
( As for matters concerning the heart... well. That is for another time. )
"Good night, Hikaru. May your dreams be sweet." He means that, by the way.
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The gratitude for what you have given tonight is written in his eyes, plain as day in spite of the mix of everything else that's weighing him down. This is a step, isn't it? That's all that matters.